Freesat might be the best thing that ever happened to me.
It has The Horror Channel, for whom I would be more than happy to act as a brand ambassador. I'd change my name and everything!
You might argue that so long as you've access to The Horror Channel, you're set. And you'd be right, to a point. Basically, all that's missing from their schedule is the news. Of course, there are horror news updates. They're called Horror Bites, and I think they make up something like 56% of their weekly schedule. But in order to ensure that we never, ever have to change the channel, we will, at some point, need real news too.
Real news, as read out by an old man in a vampire costume like in Gremlins 2. He could intonate the day's news in terrifying tones - “We've entered a double dip recessioooooooooon!” - as thunder and lightning sounds behind him. Then there'd never be any need to change the channel.
The weather could be presented by The Creature. Sports by The Mummy.
Limitless potential. And, ironically, the world would appear a lot less gloomy if the news were presented with such hammy gloominess.
But anyway, whilst I thought that The Horror Channel was IT, I recently found something else. Something really quite beautiful.
They show niche programming. Their slogan is “Making It Happen”. Here you'll see exactly the type of thing that you won't see anywhere else.
True, they broadcast a lot of Teleshopping, and a lot of their stuff you would never choose to watch anyway. But it's heart-burstingly wonderful that not only are these shows made – with dedication, passion and very limited resources – but also that they're watched.
I like niche interests.
Hell, I just like interests. I find it painfully endearing that people should be interested in things. Don't you?
This week is Information TV week on my blog. I will be posting various examples of why Information TV is the best thing to happen to humanity since – well, ever.
Information TV truly represents the peak of human endeavour to date. This is because it highlights that there's a whole world out there, and that it takes all-sorts to make it spin.
It's therefore humanity itself contained within a single TV channel.
As a special sneak preview of the sort of tear-jerking joys you can expect from my loving tribute over the coming days, allow me to share a synopsis of the very show that's being broadcast at time of writing.
It's a show called Caravan Finder. Tonight they're showing episode 17 of 26, in which “Graham continues his journey over in France with his caravan.”
Need I say any more? Need I say any more. Graham and his caravan. Aw.
Actually, the caravan community are just one of many fringe communities catered for by Information TV. I even once caught a light-hearted advert which referenced a hitherto unknown rivalry between those who own caravans and those who own motorhomes.
It seems that Information TV had (hoho) tried to cater for both audiences with one show! This obviously lead to a lot of bloodshed and many, many lives lost. The advert in question was a reassurance that, from now on, each community would have their own programmes.
So. Happy Information TV week, everyone. Stay tuned, and that.